Your Silence Will Not Protect You. My experience surviving a toxic work environment.

Prelude

These days, the word “toxic” is trendy like “GenAI” - but this article doesn’t belong to the hype. I wrote it many years ago, pre-COVID – and decided not to publish it out of fear of retaliation. Once I bumped into it last week, I realized how relevant it still is. So here we go, with the hope that whoever is going through a similar experience will act better and earlier than I did.

In the everlasting words of Audre Lorde:

“My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences.”

Most of the wolves do not show their fangs when you first meet them; in fact, they can be of the most charming and exciting people you will ever come across. So when I met my former boss, Aleks*, I had no idea what life had in store for me.

We met during a hot summer day. He picked me up from the London airport and drove me to the office. Everybody was already there as the flight he chose for me was a comfortable 9 am, and I reached the destination right in time for lunch. After a quick introductory chit-chat with the tea,m where he presented me as the next Big-Thing-For-The-Company, Aleks and his business partners Jay* and Max* invited me for supper. In honour of my Italian origins, they chose the best Italian restaurant nearby, and spent the whole lunch walking me through the potential of their products, plans for business expansion, and the exhilarating times ahead for the company, and in particular, for my role.

I was thrilled. They offered everything I ever wanted and beyond:

A design-in-tech position I was interested in, with the possibility of growth;
A competitive salary plus 1–2 bonuses per year;
40-hour per week instead of my usual 48+;
Home-office days and flexible working hours;
Access to all the relevant software and tools;
Teamwork and learning working culture;
Written permission to keep working on side projects and freelance gigs.

When Aleks concluded the encounter with “I am sure you will become a great team member, and a great friend” (emphasis on the latter), I was a little taken aback, but since I have trust issues, I dismissed it as a funny little comment given by the enthusiasm of the moment.

I mean, who in their right mind would ever consider planning a great friendship at the workplace after 3 hours of chatting? NO-ONE! And Aleks seems to be in his right mind. Look at all he had going for him, his own successful company, a team who supports him, a lovely family, an empathetic and open-to-feedback attitude… Yes, everything is going to be fine and I am just a little too cautious when I shouldn’t be. Right?

Naaah, I am overthinking it. It’s not him. It’s me.

Why should I resign when he continuously makes homophobic, racist jokes at the expense of his gay international friends, when the team is also international, and 2 members (including me) are queer? Uff, you’re so sensitive! Maybe it’s in the culture, and you don’t get it.
More, why should I resign when in the first weeks he entrusts me with his family history and personal dilemmas, but he does not listen to any work or business-related input and micro-manages every single action ? Because he certainly knows better! He has so many more years of experience!
Or again, why should I resign when I finally work on relevant tasks, never receive feedback, and after the deadline, I find out he implemented his own version without making me aware of the change? He is the boss. He does as he pleases. Stop being such a silly girl!

After a while, I started believing those words. I started believing I was a little girl who knew nothing and was complaining that life is unfair, although I had so much going on for myself. I double-guessed myself. Maybe I was difficult. Maybe I was the one not fitting in. Maybe I was just imagining everything, and considering the perks, I should have considered myself lucky. So, why should I have resigned?

Excuses. Dear old, auto-sabotaging Friends.

The sporadic unpleasantness escalated once the company underwent a large expansion. When the pressure increased, the limitations increased, and so did the aggressive behaviour from the bosses. Mistakes -even when led by their insufficient debriefs – were not accepted; daily tasks were to be implemented in the shortest amount of time possible and with the best quality. Questions were not to be asked, neither to understand the tasks properly nor to improve communication within the teams.

It was during that time that I started noticing a palpable double standard: the bosses’ aggressive behaviour was reserved for those who challenged them in improving work or project management, while the ones who were agreeable kept their privileges and received promotions. It didn’t matter that clients were more than satisfied and specifically asked for our support. According to our bosses, we were in the wrong, and when we asked for clarifications, our comments were dismissed with what we later found out to be lies.

I ended up feeling gloomy and ill every time I had to go to the office. Walking on eggshells, always on-guard when the bosses were around, in fear of saying or doing something that would unleash them suddenly. My emotions swung between drained and livid. But I discarded it all because of my own childhood traumas, replaying in the office environment.

It took me a couple more extremely unpleasant accidents and accusations and half a nervous breakdown to have a eureka moment.

Either the bosses’ behaviour was intentional and they were mobbing me and other colleagues to resign, or -worse- it was just how they naturally behaved. Either case, I spent a year making up excuses for it. This had to stop.

It is human to be willing to see the best in people, and most times, we are in good faith. We assume others want to be loved, liked, and appreciated. Because we want to be loved, liked, and appreciated.

Therefore, the little voice in our heads discards the red flags and makes up excuses for whatever comes our way that does not feel right: “You should be more understanding.” “Oh, c’mon, give another, a third, forth…chance!” “You must wear your ‘raincoat’ and let things slip down your shoulders.” “There is always a reason why someone is behaving in a certain way, and it is for you to accept it.” “You are just too emotional.”

In short, added to a possible external gaslighting, we are creating our own in our own heads! In the words of the amazing pastor and LGBTQ rights activist Paula Stone Williams :

“The more you are treated as if you don’t know what you are talking about, the more you begin to question whether or not, in fact, you know what you are talking about.”

When we treat ourselves like we know nothing, it is simple self-sabotage. It’s a symptom of low self-esteem; maybe we think we do not deserve to be treated like we would like to, or are not worthy to become the person we would like to be. Maybe we simply don’t love ourselves as much as we should.

That quote from her hit so deeply, I immediately started ugly-crying.

Sometimes you win. Sometimes you learn.

Time has passed. I resigned, put the experience over my shoulders, and I do, in fact, consider myself lucky. Lucky because I have friends whose jobs I admire, where they are valued as individuals and their skills are put into action. Lucky because I have a partner who got enraged every time he listened to my workplace stories, and his anger made me understand something was wrong. Lucky because I had a doctor who saw the burnout signs and gave me tools to get better, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Lucky because I stopped giving others excuses, and I started giving myself a chance.

What I learnt throughout that year can be summed up in 7 post-its to take with you everywhere you go and stick them right in front of your nose, for you to remember and for everybody else to understand you are not someone they can play with.

Here’s my Top 7 Learnings on How to Survive and Move On from Toxic Work Situations:

Take time for yourself. I needed time to fully digest how toxic it was. In my case, it was also useful to spend time alone to shut out all the noise from friends and family — the dramatic Italian side can be overbearing 😅 But you do you, baby! You want solitude? You want company and a listening ear? You want proactive advice and support? Whatever you need to heal, you are allowed to mention it and ask for that type of support. And if someone cannot give it to you, it is okay to thank them, find another resource, or give it to yourself.
Remove emotions. Was I creating the drama in my mind? Was the situation real? As hard as it is, removing emotions from the situation helped me to stay neutral and to analyse it more clearly. It also kept me focused on my ultimate goal: accessing better opportunities in the future, which meant resigning in a professional manner and without further damage.
Have a plan. Linked to point #3, have an ultimate goal. If you cannot leave straight away, a plan or goal will give you purpose and keep you focused through the hard times. I trained to stick to the plan by meditating, doing yoga, and shaping my behavior, giving myself little treats every time I followed through with my intention. A great resource for that is Karen Pryor’s Don’t Shoot The Dog. With time, your willpower and resilience may increase, and you may become less affected by what’s happening on the outside.
Get professionals on your side to better stand up for yourself. Doctors, lawyers, anybody who can teach you how to better protect yourself in these cases is your ally. While online research is useful, it left me overwhelmed by the amount of information — too general and not focused on how to practically face the challenge. Professionals can address your specific situation; in most cases, some professionals give free or pro-bono consultations. As a temporary resource for my case, my doctor suggested Bärbel Mechler’s “Von Psychopaten Umgeben”, a fantastic How-To guide with examples of sentences to use in realistic situations.
Humor and respect. I know what you are thinking: “How the heck can you laugh in such a challenging situation?”. It’s okay if you can’t…and it’s okay if you can. It is empowering. My love for improv theatre gave me the skill to get back control of the situation, like acting in a way that was least expected. For example, when someone shouted at me, I tried hugging them, saying: “Oh, does someone need a hug today? You have been in so much stress and it truly shows! C’mon, gimme a big bear hug!”. It left them gobsmacked and not that inclined to shout at me again.
Understanding, acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. The most difficult part was forgiveness. Not of my boss — it was clear that his family history and experiences affected how he was behaving. His path was not an easy one, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. He was forgiven. But I still needed to forgive myself for not seeing things earlier, for not saying things earlier, for believing that I had the power to improve the work situation while not improving mine. For not taking care of myself. For abandoning me. Guilt, shame, anger, and sadness are all welcome feelings. They show you where you hurt and how you want to improve. Let them show you the path. This is still a work in progress, but it is crucial to move on. You are not alone.

What is your take? I look forward to discussing this with you and learning how you would approach similar situations.

With courage and love, Gaia 💜

*I have tried to recreate events, locales, and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity, I have changed the names of individuals and places, and I have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations, and places of residence.

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.